Much, if not all of our fear and suffering stems around resisting change.
Yet, I cannot dwell on these circumstances. There were days that I was wrought up in my bed with grieve, a heavy grieve that paralyzes you. There were days I would just want to cry all day, thinking I was an ungrateful, bad child. And I spent much of the time doing that.
I realized it didn’t help me at all. It is one thing to get your ego in check, and it’s another to have a low self-confidence. I lived so much of my life until now waiting for approval. Approval from my parents, sometimes friends and sometimes the mysterious society. All of it is a waste. It is wasted time from focusing on what you love, focusing on the gifts you want to share with the world. Instead, you hesitate again and again to take on new challenges because you never feel good enough. I would hope that all of you can avoid this, but it also might be part of your journey. It might be part of your transformation.
So, embrace the transformation. Embrace all the uncomfortable situations, knowing that it will lead to a better version of you in the end.
I have to remind myself of that. It is not easy always internalizing the disapproval others have of you. But, it is a choice. When you realize that feeling any sort of not-enough-ness is a choice, you can start feeling better about yourself.
Just feeling better about yourself will lead to those great things. You will start to have more confidence to take bigger and better opportunities and will put yourself in better circumstances.
I am probably not old enough to see the true gravity of all my choices. I still have open wounds from being too sensitive, as much as I can tell you to choose your life.
But, when there is something in you (I like to call intuition) that pushes you to make a decision and it is full of love, take it. I have tried to do that in all areas of my life and life has always provided for me.
Sure, there were nights and weeks and months of doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, and once even a panic attack. I am not going to lie, that struggles may enter your life. Every one will have different kinds of struggles, but ones that are to teach us to be the best version of ourselves.
So, embrace the transformation.
A friend’s grandma once said that “Life gets easier as you get older,” and I think that might be true. You learn how to overcome struggles a bit more gracefully. You are more patient with yourself, you ask your friends or family for help when you need it, and you understand more about the life and death cycles of everything in life. You learn not to stress about it, and accept it as a part of living on this earth.
I am still working my own insecurities and anxieties. I am in my 30s and still haven’t achieved the things I have wanted. If I ask my ego, it will say I am a failure because I am not married, I don’t have a stable income, and my parents don’t approve of me.
But, if I ask my soul self, I start to cry.. With happiness. I am so proud of what I have accomplished. For the past year I have worked on my writing and producing cooking videos. I also took new opportunities to teach English to kids online and to travel the world with my boyfriend. It has been a spectacular year for my soul self, but sitting in my parent’s house, according to society, I am not good enough.
So, as much as I want to be always positive, I always teeter back and forth from thoughts of not-good-enoughness and being this powerful super soul creator.
What it comes down is the choice of fear(ego) or love(soul creator).
The Cherokee’s shared this Wisdom in one of their stories, The Story of Two Wolves.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
I think you know which one to choose. But, sometimes we need a reminder.
From one soul to another, may you make more space for love in your life, and in all that you do. It will nurture and sustain in so many more ways than you can think.